Close Knit Shinobi
by Aquarius Galuxy
Summary: Crack!fic. [Chapter 6: Neji loses his wavering grip on the upper hand.] The rise in popularity of all-male knitting groups is an unexpected phenomenon across the world. Not surprisingly, Konoha has its very own.
1. The All-Male Knitting Group

_Hi all! This is a random piece of humorous writing - don't get used to it. ;) Written for _white noise and brine_, who was kind enough to listen to my suggestion of an all-male knitting group - the majority of the ideas in here are hers. ;)_

_Written in 2 hours on a Sunday night, which was amazing because I don't write on Sundays, and I have never really written Naruto and Kiba before. :O _

_Naruto and its characters do not belong to me._

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><p><strong>Close Knit Shinobi<strong>

"Damnit, this last mission was horrible! I wanted to finish my scarf when it was my turn to stand guard, but noooo, the enemy _nin_ had to attack on my watch!" Naruto grumbles, collapsing into an armchair. He pulls a mass of lumpy knitting out of his standard-issue backpack, and makes a face at the tangles his bright orange yarn is in. "They didn't even let me untangle all my knots first!"

"You shouldn't allow the yarn ball to stray far from you," Neji advises him sagely, "That way, packing up is easy, especially at the first sign of an enemy approaching."

"Well, I don't have the Byakugan, like you do!" Naruto retorts, to which Lee jumps to his feet, a fierce gleam in his eyes (and a forest-green skein of yarn rolling onto the floor behind him).

"Fear not, Naruto! Together, we can prove that hard work will triumph Neji's genius!" he all but shouts, waving his knitting needles in the air, the stitches sliding precariously along them (and they would have fallen off, if it weren't for the knobs at the ends that prevent them from doing so).

Neji rolls his eyes, and returns to his own masterpiece, a cabled tablecloth for Hiashi-_sama_'s new dining table. _Knit-one, purl-two_ is his mantra, and he prides himself on being able to multitask and focus on both knitting, and the conversation at hand.

"Well, no one is gonna beat me, especially not in my house," Kiba announces from his seat . He makes up the fourth and last member of their all-male knitting group, his current skill level with the hobby on par with Naruto's. (It is no secret that Kiba is inept with knitting, though he is convinced that knowing how to work yarn into beautiful pieces is one of the advantages that he will have with the opposite gender. The haphazard articles that result are tucked quietly away in his room, a massive, colorful bed that Akamaru shares with him.)

"In your opinion," Neji says quietly from his seat, and his gaze never wavers from the royal blue silk yarn being molded between his fingers. The metal tips of his circular needles click furiously as he knits stitch after stitch, to the point where it would require a trained eye (or a Sharingan) to follow his movements. He is the undisputed master of their group, though Lee is convinced that no other knitter in the village can actually surpass Neji's speed and quality. No stitch is ever out of place, no unsightly ends left visible; even the yarns he uses are top quality (never synthetic), and require special care to maintain.

"I'll beat you in this someday, Neji!" Naruto declares, when he's finally sorted his tangles out and is back on track with his striped scarf. (Winter is approaching soon, and Naruto claims that he needs the extra warmth, though wearing scarves on missions are a liability, and any visitor to his shanty apartment would note the gigantic, colorful scarves strewn all over the place. The pieces are sunny and cheerful enough that the average villager would not mind the missed stitches and half-tucked ends trailing from them.) He's come a long way, Neji acknowledges, from when none of his scarves would even turn out uniform, and the knits and purls could not even be told apart. "I've learned a great deal since I joined the group, believe it!"

"I will beat Neji too, Naruto! Your persistence is admirable!" Lee exclaims, exalted tears streaming down his face. "I will finish my sweater by the end of today, or I will knit another ten sweaters before the end of the week as punishment!"

There isn't any doubt that the project he's working on is for Gai-_sensei_ (because few others wear his notoriously green compositions with such pride). Most of Lee's other sweaters go to the village orphanage, or the poor (he knits big hearts onto them sometimes), who cannot afford to turn his gifts of love away. Lee claims that his sweaters help keep the springtime of youth alive in everyone.

"We should have a knitting contest," Kiba announces. "You're knitting in my house, and I form the rules today."

(His family home is, really, one of the only two places they meet to knit, because knitting is frowned on in the Hyuuga compounds, and Naruto's apartment is too small, and too full of giant scarves for there to be sufficient space to even sit. Lee's home is the other meeting spot; they alternate between the locations, so as not to catch color-blindness from the sheer amount of green in Lee's place.)

"What kind of contest?" Lee almost leaps from his seat in excitement. "I'm confident that I'll finally beat Neji this time!"

Neji merely smirks, and Kiba flips him off in an attempt to wipe the smile off his face.

"We will be knitting mittens," Kiba says smugly. "To fit Akamaru."

Three pairs of eyes swivel to face the giant dog lying by Kiba's feet, his paws carefully unwinding yarn from the current skein, so as to achieve the right tension in the yarn leading to Kiba's needles.

A look of distaste flits across Neji's regal features. (Expensive yarn for the mutt?) Lee and Naruto cheer excitedly anyway, even though mittens are not their strong suit. They are going to make up for their lack of expertise with youth and optimism. Kiba only grins, because four new sets of mittens for Akamaru means that he won't have to get them custom-made this winter.

"His paws are eight inches in circumference. I would prefer them to be at least five inches tall each." Kiba looks around at his comrades, and judges the expressions on their faces. He's got to win this competition, because Akamaru is his best friend and he can't let the latter down (and also because he's knitting on home territory, damn it!)

When all four of them have drawn new needles and skeins of yarn out, Kiba does the countdown with intense vigor. "Is everyone ready? On your marks, get set, knit!"

What follows is a long silence and the furious clicking of needles. Surreptitious glances are passed around (mainly to see how far Neji is ahead of each of them), and Adam's apples bob with dry swallows (they're thirsty in this heat, but no one wants to stop, for fear of missing out on precious moments to purl and knit stitches). The atmosphere is so intense that even Akamaru feels it, though he keeps his whines to himself.

The tension thickens when Neji snips his first completed mitten off, and begins on his next. Glances are exchanged; Neji is everyone's least favorite knitter right now.

Time seems to flit by too quickly, when the four men slowly, laboriously, finish their knitting. Neji is, naturally, the first to complete all four mittens, each knitted to perfection, complete with garter stitch hems and hexagonal patterns throughout. Lee is the next to finish, his green mittens almost perfect, though not quite as intricate as Neji's. Kiba's end up a little too small, and Naruto's are speckled with slipped stitches, though still wearable.

The vote is unanimous - Neji wins the competition, hands down, and Kiba mutters bitterly, "What kind of loser likes knitting that much, anyway? You only won because you're weird."

"Your stitches were uneven," Neji tells him primly, and promptly returns to his cabled tablecloth (it has to be ready by tomorrow, when Hiashi reveals the new furniture to the entire household).

The door bursts open suddenly, and Tenten stumbles into the room, her twin buns in a mess. Kiba's sisters trail behind her, protesting her entrance, though Tenten waves them off. "Neji! Lee! Where were you? I searched all over for you and Gai said you'd be here-"

She stops talking abruptly when it dawns on her that four of the most respectable male shinobi in the village are knitting before her very eyes.

"What?" Tenten gapes, and stares, though her eyes finally settle on the intricate tapestry of Neji's tablecloth, and how he stares at her in shock. They've never discussed this in all the years they've trained together. "Th-The Akatsuki are on the move, you guys, Tsunade-_sama_ has summoned us to her office!"

A series of groans and protests are the only response she receives.

"What? I'm not done with the mittens for Akamaru, the loose ends need to be woven in!" Kiba exclaims. "I refuse to leave the competition with unfinished work!"

"Five more minutes," Neji mutters, his needles furiously clicking away. "This tablecloth has to be done by tomorrow."

"Did you not hear me?" Tenten screeches, and grabs Neji by the ear (she is the only one who dares commit such a horrific offense).

"Don't forget to wind your yarn up properly, Naruto!" Lee exclaims. He is the first to finish packing (Neji is the grudging second), and they dash out of Kiba's home, with Tenten following dazedly behind, still quite uncertain about the sight she's just witnessed.

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><p><em>Don't expect updates to this. ;) It sure cracked me up though!<em>


	2. Lace Underwear

_Not many responses to the previous chapter - I wonder why. Anyway, this is the continuation to part 1 of Close Knit Shinobi ;) Written for _white noise and brine_, who is amazing and hilarious with her suggestions. ;)_

_Naruto and its characters do not belong to me._

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><p>"You may be the knitting master of Konoha, Neji, but you sure can't teach it to save your life!" Tenten grumbles, fiddling with a bright pink strand of wool yarn. "How do you purl, again?"<p>

"You'll find it much easier to learn knitting if you didn't insist upon using _senbon,_ Tenten," comes the dry response from Neji, who is currently working his magic with a lace shawl for Hinata's birthday.

They are sitting alone beneath the huge oak at their training grounds, because Tenten has requested for a private lesson from Neji, figuring that she should at least know the basics of knitting, since she is female. The bamboo knitting needles Neji provided have not been challenging enough for her - _senbon,_ Tenten says, will be both functional and help defend herself should anyone attack her while she is busy purling yarn.

"Well, I feel safer with my weapons in hand, even if you don't," Tenten retorts, painstakingly adding another purl stitch to the row she's created. There are uneven stitches all over the dishcloth she's making - at least it wouldn't be mocked in the privacy of her kitchen. There is a sudden rustle of leaves just behind them, and Tenten is snatching the metal needle out of her stitches and throwing it towards the source of the sound before Neji even blinks.

A squirrel stumbles out of the bushes on its last breath, and keels over, lifeless, on the grassy edge of their training grounds.

"You see that?" Tenten crows at Neji, jabbing her remaining needle towards the dead animal. Half the remaining stitches slide off. "My response time is triple that of yours while knitting. Beat that, Neji."

"I wouldn't attempt to," he tells her loftily. "There is an entire art to folding away your knitting while readying yourself for an enemy's attack."

Tenten stares speechlessly at him. "Why haven't I seen you doing that before, then?" she eventually manages.

"Lee and I have perfected our folding-away technique while you awaken during our missions," Neji informs her, methodically performing his yarn-overs and slip-stitches, his attention never wavering. "However, I am better at it than he is."

"So be it." Tenten rolls her eyes. She feels a little annoyed that they've left her out of their little knitting group. "Anyway, my knitting is ruined, Neji, the stitches fell apart when I attacked that squirrel."

"So start over," he tells her blandly. "It was your fault to begin with."

She mutters murderously and walks over to the carcass, plucking her _senbon_ from it. (At least it was a perfect shot, Tenten consoles herself, for not having seen the animal at all.)

"I was thinking of knitting myself some underwear for the girls' sleepover next week," she remarks to Neji, who doesn't give an indication that he's heard her contemplation. "You know, pretty lace underthings."

He looks up at her then, lifting an eyebrow. "That requires a mastery of knitting first. You know that."

"I know!" she sighs, and flops down beside him. "Why don't you knit a pair for me? You have the skills and speed to do it."

There is a long silence from Neji, before he finally speaks again. "No."

"What do you mean, 'no'?" Tenten asks, surprised. "It's just some underwear, Neji!"

"I'm not your personal knitter, Tenten," he answers flatly, his own wooden needles clicking away.

"Oh come on, I'll even give you my measurements and stuff," she huffs (and notices that he perks up a little). "Are you saying you're incapable of knitting some women's underwear in three days?"

Pale lilac eyes snap up to hers in that instant. "Are you challenging me?" Neji asks softly.

"Why, yes I am!" Tenten bites, resting her fists on her hips. "I'll bet you can't finish it in a day!"

"Challenge accepted," Neji grits, his eyes narrowed. "Give me your measurements."

Tenten never thought she'd see this day coming.

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><p>"The bra is a little too tight," Tenten reports, thrusting scraps of white lace towards Neji. He blinks at her from the couch. "And the panties are a little too loose."<p>

"What do you expect me to do?" he returns, and looks back at the fluffy mass of violet shawl he's still working on.

"Fix it!" she tells Neji, looking at him as if he were a little dim. "The bra cups need to be a little wider, and the hem of the panties can be tightened by an inch on either side-"

"But you just wore them," he states, his knitting slowing to a pause. Pale eyes look between the garments in her hand, and her face.

"I know, and they don't fit properly!" Tenten repeats, losing her patience. His knitted masterpieces are still being held out towards him. "So I'm asking you to fix them."

"But you just _wore them,_" Neji echos stubbornly in turn. His eyelids twitch.

"Is that all you can say?" she grumbles, exasperated. "Look, I'll wear them and show you what needs fixing."

"No, please don't-" Neji mutters in a strangled sort of way, though she's already facing away from him and shrugging out of her clothes. "Tenten-"

Shades of red and ivory are cycling through Neji's face when she turns back to him. (He's looking away very pointedly.) Tenten merely grins, and steps up to him. "Could you please make these changes?" she asks sweetly.

Neji turns slowly back to her, as if fearing a storm of rage and hellfire, and she points immediately at her chest. His pale eyes drop obediently to where she's pointing. Neji gulps.

"See, I think the cups could cover more of me," she tells him, drawing a finger along the creamy skin of her breast.

"Right," Neji mutters. He looks cautiously at her other breast, and back, his eyes tracing from the knitted edges to the sheer centers, where her pebbled crests are. "A finger's width wider on each side?"

"I think that'll be fine," Tenten muses, tracing beneath the edge of the bra with her fingertip. Neji follows her trajectory with his eyes, almost akin to a starved man. He begins to stare a little too intently at her chest, and Tenten blushes. "Could you lengthen the straps at the back too?" she adds, spinning on her heels to show him the too-tight bra straps, and back again to divert his gaze to the waistband of her panties, that are hanging off her hips, held tight by one hand.

Neji swallows hard. He's never seen Tenten dressed in so little before, and he's thinking of her covered in yarn - and only yarn.

"I think you could just tighten them up, like that," she says, pinching the excess material away with fingers on both hips. "Oh! And I almost forgot, what were you thinking when you made the crotch so narrow?!"

Tenten lifts her leg up, just enough for him to glimpse the scrap of material between her thighs, and Neji sways in his seat.

"How wide do you want it? I can make adjustments," he tells her tightly, and his gaze flicks to the other side of the room, before he takes too much of that lace away in his mind and blood gushes out his nose.

"Hmm, I don't know," Tenten says, thoughtfully, and flops onto the couch beside him, looking down at her spread legs. Neji freezes and dares not follow her gaze. "Half an inch? What do you think?"

When he doesn't respond, Tenten reaches over and turns his face towards herself. "I asked you a question, Neji."

"It's not proper for me to be looking," he protests.

"Are you afraid to?" she challenges, a glint in her eye. Neji swallows visibly, and Tenten watches as his eyes inch downwards, painting a trail of heat down her belly.

"Half an inch is enough," Neji croaks, after his attention lingers for a little too long on her crotch. Before she knows it, his eyes are rolling back into his head, and he's falling into her couch, the back of his head bumping unceremoniously against the side table.

Tenten all but squeaks in shock. "Neji? Are you okay? We need the underwear by tomorrow, damn it! Don't go fainting on me now!"

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><p><em>Tenten used Flash! Wild Neji fainted!<em>

_;)_


	3. Yarn Techniques

_This isn't as funny... sorry about that :( Hope you guys enjoy it anyway though :P Written for _white noise and brine_, who somehow comes up with all these hilarious ideas ;)_

_Naruto and its characters do not belong to me._

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><p>"Neji."<p>

Neji is about to head out to the training grounds this morning, but stops and turns at his uncle's voice. "What is it, Hiashi-_sama_?"

"I trust that you are aware of the... decorations that have been sighted on a few of the utility poles around the village yesterday," Hiashi explains, ever-formal, in his clan robes, cup of tea in hand.

"No, I am not aware of them." Neji frowns, and follows when Hiashi leads him over to the front gates of the Hyuuga compounds, wondering what these decorations have to do with him. All he's been doing is recovering from that bump on his head he's sustained at Tenten's apartment (he swears that he is not going to knit anything else for her again).

Hiashi throws the front doors open, and his teacup smashes to insignificant bits on the ground.

"What is this atrocity?" Hiashi sputters; Neji follows his gaze - right outside the compounds, snug on every utility pole, is a vividly-colored knitted sweater - oranges and neon pinks and blues. Hiashi looks accusingly at him.

Neji puffs his chest out indignantly. "That is not my work!"

"Then fix it," Hiashi commands.

"These aren't produced by someone with my mastery in the craft," Neji mutters. "You've seen that tablecloth."

"Yes, yes, that tablecloth is a masterpiece," Hiashi acknowledges. "If they should be dressed in anything at all, I want the decorations to be in black and white, to reflect our clan's colors. Include the yin-yang symbol if possible."

"I understand, Hiashi-sama," Neji acquiesces. He still has Hinata's shawl to complete, and he doesn't want any more distractions keeping him from refining his yarn-based techniques. "The costs will be born by the clan."

"Do whatever you need to," Hiashi says, and waves him off. Neji glowers. Tenten better be grateful that he's taking some time off knitting to train with her.

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><p>Neji is accosted by several yarn-bearing <em>senbon<em> the moment he reaches the training grounds. Without missing a beat, he drops his bag and spins into his kaiten, and the strands of yarn flying out from his sleeves mingle with his circling chakra.

"A spinning yarn ball? What the hell are you doing, Neji?" Tenten shouts at him from somewhere above.

He slows to a stop, pieces of colorful yarn floating to the ground around him, and glares in her general direction. "Don't insult my new technique."

Tenten drops lightly to the ground a few yards away, and stalks towards him, more yarn-edged _senbon_ in hand. "Well, I wouldn't if you didn't just knock my Rainbow Needle attack off like that," she huffs.

"Is that _your_ new technique?" he asks archly, raising a brow. She stares sullenly at him.

"Well, forgive me for even trying," Tenten snaps. "At least I didn't faint while looking at-"

"That's enough, Tenten," Neji cuts in, a dark flush creeping up his neck. "You pulled that on me."

"Oh?" she challenges, stepping closer to him, her hands on her hips. "Surely you'd be more resistant to fainting if you've had more experience with the opposite sex!"

"Are you demeaning my sexual experience?" he asks her quietly, his tone dangerous.

"Why, yes I am!" Tenten returns, her eyes flashing. "Even I wouldn't faint if I saw you naked-"

"Would you like to test that claim?" Neji challenges. (He isn't sure that this is the right place for them to be having this argument.)

"Are you offering to strip, Hyuuga Neji?" Tenten grins suddenly, her eyes lighting up.

Neji is saved from having to answer by a flurry of green making its entrance onto their training grounds. "Lee!" he calls out, before their teammate comes fully to a stop, "Were you the one who put all that knitting on the utility poles-"

-And he finds himself needing to avert his gaze when Lee skids to a standstill.

"Good morning, Neji! Tenten!" Lee exclaims, with all the energy that comes from having knitted two hundred utility pole sweaters, "How are you this morning?"

"What the hell do you think you're wearing, Lee?" Tenten screeches, as she tries not to look at the holey, green suit that Lee is wearing today. It appears that he has swapped the spandex for a knitted outfit, that looks like strings of green yarn cross-hatched all over his body - some kind of too-revealing netting.

"Well, I was following this pattern called a 'fish net outfit' - don't you think it looks youthful?" Lee beams, and turns to look behind him. "Gai-sensei is wearing one too, he'll be here any minute!"

Tenten looks as if she's going to faint - a violent shudder ripples through her body, and her face turns pale. "Oh gods, no," she whispers, and looks around desperately for somewhere to hide. Neji cringes - he doesn't want to see any more of Lee or Gai than he's already witnessed, so he grabs Tenten by the arm and leaves his yarn pieces on the ground, leaping into the trees.

Their escape is a close shave - Gai's booming voice resounds through the clearing seconds later.

"You've had plenty of experience with the opposite gender," Neji reminds Tenten when they're slumped against a large tree a few minutes later.

She glowers at him. "Why don't you wear one of those, and we'll talk."

"If I'm wearing a fishnet outfit, you'll need to be in one, too," Neji argues. "It won't be fair otherwise."

Tenten rolls her eyes. "You're just trying to catch a glimpse of me naked, Neji."

"I am not," he mutters, looking away. (Yes, he is.) "Anyway, if we aren't going to be training today, I need to return to the compounds. My uncle has another task for me."

Tenten watches in numb shock when Neji pulls a mess of unwound yarn out of his bag, and lays it on the ground. Before she gets a word past her lips, he picks up one end, holds it above his head, and begins to spin in his kaiten. The yarn ravels into a neat ball somehow, and Neji stops spinning when he's done, gracefully tucking the yarn ball back into his bag.

"What was that?" Tenten stutters, still gaping.

"I have been refining my techniques," Neji tells her smugly. He leaves her staring in the forest, and Tenten doesn't remember to close her mouth until long minutes later.

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><p><em>Lol Neji ;) I probably will not continue this... it'll just get less funny the more I post :P<em>


	4. Fish Net Outfits

_I needed to get this out of my system. ;) Written for _white noise and brine_, who came up with the ideas for a lot of this, too :P_

_Naruto and its characters don't belong to me._

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><p>"Here, the fishnet suits you asked for." Neji empties the two knitted suits out of his bag onto Tenten's coffee table, and seats himself on her couch. It has not been easy finding the time for them between missions, and replacing all the gaudy utility pole sweaters outside the Hyuuga compound, though at least Hiashi did not smash any more teacups when he opened the main gates. (There is now a critical shortage of teacups under the Hyuuga roofs.)<p>

"Thanks, Neji!" Tenten grins, coming over to examine his new creations. "I heard that you've been knitting on every single mission!"

"I am the knitting prodigy," he tells her smugly. "I can even knit while executing my kaiten now."

"Wow," Tenten breathes, awed. "No longer a spinning yarn ball, huh?"

"It's too tedious picking up the stray pieces of yarn," he tells her flippantly. It is not easy trying to keep the blood off his knitting, however. Tenten rolls her eyes.

"Anyway, the fishnet suits," she says, drawing his attention to the black material on the table. Tenten pulls one out of the pile and holds it against herself. "Looks like a good fit to me."

"They tend to be stretchy," Neji explains. "Similar to spandex, as you've seen on Lee."

They share a wince.

Tenten grins suddenly. "I dare you to wear this out in public, Neji. With nothing else on."

Neji narrows his eyes. "No."

"And why not?" Tenten waggles her eyebrows. "Are you afraid to?"

"It's not that," Neji mutters, looking sourly at her. "It is not proper to, and besides, I have to uphold the Hyuuga clan's pristine image. Hiashi-_sama_ will be disappointed in me if I were to parade myself in that... outfit."

"So you're afraid," Tenten tells him slyly, and nudges his side.

"You're not going to trick me into wearing that suit, Tenten," Neji says calmly, closing his eyes and folding his arms. She recognizes that pose - he's not going to be convinced anytime soon.

"Sure, sure," she replies airily, and grins.

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><p>Neji is on a mission with Team Gai two weeks later, one of those high-profile missions with high visibility by others. It is, perhaps, a twist of fate that he is the only one on the team to sustain acid burn on his clothes, and not just that - they are stuck in a swamp hours later, with all the slugs and bugs that make them crave a hot shower, and a change of attire.<p>

Gai, being the perceptive leader that he is, books a room at an inn, if just for the shower that they all desperately need.

They take turns to wash up - it is to Neji's absolute horror, when he steps out of the shower, naked and dripping wet, that all the spare changes of clothes in his bag have disappeared, only to be replaced by one, lone, fishnet outfit.

He steps out into the room in the black fishnet outfit, clean and full of murderous intent, searching for Tenten.

Three pairs of eyes lock onto him.

Lee is the first to leap into the air, his fists held tight against his chest in excitement. "My eternal rival has finally caught onto my trends!" he howls, and pulls his matching fishnet suit out of his standard-issue backpack. Gai beams at them, his teeth gleaming, and pulls his own fishnet suit out of his backpack, too.

Neji looks accusingly towards Tenten, who is staring at him, her cheeks puffed out, trying desperately not to laugh. He glares at her then, and she doubles over, shrieking hysterically, clutching at her sides.

"I will dress myself in my youthful outfit, Neji, you shall not be the only shining star tonight!" Lee exclaims, and rushes into the shower.

"So will I! Lee, wait for me!" Gai exclaims, and sprints in after Lee, slamming the door shut behind them.

Tenten stares at them in utter disbelief, though Neji quickly captures her attention again, because he's stalking towards her now, looking dangerously at her. (She thinks being murdered by a semi-naked Neji isn't so bad, after all.)

Neji catches the way her eyes roam over his body (despite several attempts to prevent herself from doing so) and looks at her in outrage. "Tenten, how could you?" he says quietly.

"I... I wore mine too," she tells him with a small smile, and Neji stares in undiluted shock when she unbuttons her shirt, and shrugs out of it. The black netting crisscrosses and stretches over her chest, hiding nothing. Neji gapes, stares, and the next thing he knows is blood gushing out of his nose and a swift decline into unconsciousness.

They are all dressed in green spandex the next day, with the exception of Tenten, who has enough spares of her usual clothes for the next two weeks.

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><p>"Word has it that you were dressed in a 'fish net costume' on this mission," Hiashi comments, while they admire the new utility pole sweaters by the front gate.<p>

"I did not!" Neji snaps indignantly. "I will never do such a thing!"

"You did, however, wear that awful green spandex," Hiashi continues. "I trust that you will not do it again."

"I was framed!" Neji sputters. "I would not subject myself to such humiliation otherwise!"

Hiashi nods slowly, studying his nephew from the corner of his eye. He thinks the snapshot of Neji in his 'fish net' outfit (stashed safely in his desk) will come in handy someday, courtesy of one grinning Tenten.

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><p><em>...Somehow photographs make their way into my fics a lot :P Where is everyone? It feels as if people are not dropping bycommenting as much anymore! :O_


	5. Teacups and Utility Pole Sweaters

_And... we're back to the ridiculous adventures of knitting prodigy Neji... ;) Written for _white noise and brine_, who came up with quite a few of these ideas ;)_

_Naruto and its characters do not belong to me._

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><p>"A word with you, Neji," Hiashi says at the breakfast table, shortly after the installation of the Hyuuga-themed utility pole sweaters. Curious, Neji follows him to the front gates of the compounds, and stares in shock when Hiashi throws the gates open, to reveal a second gaudy sweater on all the utility poles facing them.<p>

"That is not of my doing," he tells Hiashi immediately. These have to be the work of Lee, who has not yet admitted to the plague of garish utility pole outfits through the village. (It is a wonder that Tsunade has not issued a ban on them yet.)

"We are down to ten teacups on the compounds," Hiashi notes with a deep frown. "As the prodigy of the Hyuuga clan, Neji, I expect that you will be able to solve these issues. Consider it a mission of the utmost importance-"

"I've made clothes for the teacups," Neji interrupts, fishing a tea cozy necklace from his pocket. He dangles it in front of Hiashi, stretching the basket-like end of the knitted masterpiece. "These serve two purposes: First, to contain the teacups in such a way that they will not fall from one's hands, by anchoring the teacups to one's neck." He gestures to the knitted rope attached to the basket. "Second, this invention frees the use of one's hands for more desirable pursuits, such as reading or exercising."

Hiashi surveys the teacup necklace with an impressed air, and takes it from Neji for closer examination. "How many of these do you have?"

"Fifteen at the moment," Neji replies, with a swell of pride in his chest.

Hiashi gives a satisfied nod. "We'll take the rest of them, then, if you don't mind. I favor them in black or white."

"It is my honor, Hiashi-_sama_." Neji bows. "I will have another fifteen ready by the time the new teacups arrive."

* * *

><p>Tenten wakes up in her apartment one morning to find all her clothes missing - only to be replaced with a bundle of gaudy utility pole sweaters in her closet and drawers. There are a couple of new fishnet outfits draped over her coffee table, mockingly, and she grits her teeth, because there is only one person who could have done this.<p>

But Tenten, being the _kunoichi_ she is, is not about to admit defeat to Neji's revenge. No, she will be the one to make him regret his actions.

She shrugs out of her pyjamas, and dons one fishnet outfit, before stepping into an upside-down gaudy utility pole sweater, and pulling another over her head. It covers her body sufficiently, and she ties the other fishnet outfit around her neck, like a scarf.

It isn't quite enough, she thinks, so she adds a third sweater over her head, pulling it on so that just her face peeks out through the opening for the neck. A fourth and fifth sweater are tied onto her feet, in place of slippers.

With this, Tenten looks at herself in the mirror, and is ready to go.

* * *

><p>"Hi Neji! How're you doing?" a shrill voice rings, and Neji turns, box of new teacups in hand-<p>

-He almost drops his precious teacups, because it is as if this strange creature has just walked out of his most recent nightmare about utility pole sweaters coming alive.

The owner of the voice walks up to him - he thinks she looks familiar, with that loose chocolate hair and hazel eyes, but Neji is too distracted by the gaudy sweaters wrapped around her head, body and feet-

-And that fishnet design on her arms and legs is one of his creations. The very one he left on a coffee table last night.

"Tenten!" he sputters, when he finally deduces her identity. He's never seen her with her hair down, or dressed in such an awful way. "What are you doing?"

"You couldn't recognize me, could you?" she grins, and slings a sweater-and-fishnet arm through his. Neji is still staring at the garish sweater she's pulled halfway over her head, so only locks of her long brown hair dangle out to frame her face.

"I knew who you were right away," he lies, almost with a pout, and Tenten grins.

"What did you do with my clothes, Neji?" Tenten asks, her tone so light that he could almost miss her underlying threat.

"You took mine away on that mission," he grumbles, and begins to walk, quickly, back towards the Hyuuga compounds. (They are starting to attract an unwarranted amount of attention.)

Tenten is still clinging on to his arm. "Well, this is payback," she tells him.

"Kindly let go of me, if you will," he mutters, looking everywhere but at her. It doesn't sit well with him that he is the only one left on their team who seems to retain any kind of sanity.

"Return my clothes, Neji," Tenten insists, still with a smile. (He hopes that he hasn't damned the Hyuuga reputation to the dogs.)

She leans in to kiss him on the cheek, in front of the entire marketplace, and Neji drops the teacups this time, smashing every single one of them to smithereens.

* * *

><p>He ends up with a brand new box of teacups some time later, in front of the gates to the Hyuuga compounds, with Tenten still hovering around him. Neji turns to her, impatient. "Are you determined to follow me in?" he grumbles.<p>

"Are you going to return my clothes?" Tenten asks in return, folding her arms across her chest. She's still in the gaudy outfit, and Neji wants nothing more than to _not_ be seen with her inside the compounds.

"You've caused me an endless amount of embarrassment," Neji grouses, with a frown. "And I had to use my own money to purchase this next set of teacups-"

"Well, you took all my clothes."

"You swapped mine out on that mission-"

"What is going on here?" Hiashi demands, when he opens the front gates, a couple of Hyuuga elders behind him. His forehead creases in the deepest frown Neji has ever seen on him. All eyes lock onto Tenten.

Tenten takes one look at them, and backs away, her face growing pale. "Um, hi! Your nephew found me on the streets and I, um, followed him home!" she exclaims, her voice octaves higher than usual.

Hiashi pulls Neji aside, muttering, "We Hyuuga have a reputation to protect, Neji, surely you know that-"

Neji scowls. "Don't you think I'm aware of it?"

Hiashi turns to look back at Tenten, still frowning. She shrinks under his scrutiny. "You look very familiar."

"I, um, surely you must be mistaken, we've never met!" Tenten says shrilly, and backpedals, flashing a Nice Guy pose. "See you around, Neji, it was nice meeting you!"

Neji turns back to Hiashi when the dust has cleared from Tenten's speedy getaway, and almost drops this set of teacups when he realizes that all three of his elders are wearing the teacup necklaces, steaming teacups in their baskets.

"The teacup necklaces have turned out to be very popular among the elders," Hiashi remarks, noticing his stare. "I believe that your abilities have far surpassed our expectations, Neji."

Neji nods mutely, unsure if he should be proud of how undignified his elders now look.

* * *

><p><em>Poor Neji... LOL<em>


	6. Lipstick Madness

_And... the next part of Close Knit Shinobi. Special thanks, as always, to _white noise and brine_, who inspired this ;)_

_This chapter is especially hilarious to me - I can't stop laughing omg ;)_

_Naruto and its characters do not belong to me._

* * *

><p>"What is the meaning of this?" Hiashi sputters, when he pushes the front gates of the Hyuuga compounds open. There is no smashing of teacups, because he has had the foresight to protect his teacup in one of Neji's new knitted necklaces. Next to him, Neji frowns in disbelief.<p>

To counter the one gaudy utility pole sweater Hiashi frowned over, Neji had added another two black-and-white Hyuuga sweaters onto each utility pole, bringing the total to four sweaters a pole (the original Hyuuga one, Lee's gaudy second, and the third and fourth being identical to the first).

There are now three more gaudy sweaters on each utility pole, topping the black-and-white ones off, and it is as if the Hyuuga compounds are being faced off with several unsightly totem poles.

Lee, no doubt, views this as a competition.

Neji closes his eyes and breathes in deeply. "I will talk to my teammate about this, Hiashi-_sama_."

"Make him stop this at all costs," Hiashi commands. "I will not have this atrocity marring our reputation."

* * *

><p>Conveniently, Team Gai is setting off on a mission that very afternoon. Neji makes sure to arrive at the meeting spot early, and fixes Lee with a glare when the Green Beast is the second to arrive. "Lee," he calls. (Neji has checked that he has a spare set of clothes hidden in a scroll, painstakingly sealed, because he doesn't have the same aptitude for <em>fuinjutsu<em> that Tenten does.)

"What is it, my eternal rival?" Lee skids to a stop in front of him, flashing a Nice Guy pose, with the brightest smile he has.

"Stop adding those sweaters on the utility poles right outside my home!" Neji bristles. "All the elders have been breaking teacups whenever they catch a glimpse of your sweaters!"

"But my sweaters spread the joy of youth around the village, Neji!" Lee protests, horrified. "How can your elders not see that?"

"Is that why everyone in the Hyuuga clan is now wearing their teacups around their necks?" Tenten's voice sounds from behind them. Lee turns to look at her, and gasps.

Neji doesn't so much catch the smirk on her lips as the scrolls she's wearing, in place of Lee's gaudy utility pole sweaters. Her new outfit is modeled after Kurenai-_sensei_'s, with layers of scrolls draped over her torso in some semblance of a dress; Neji stares at the ingenuity of it, because she doesn't even have to unravel a scroll to summon her precious weapons now.

"Tenten! You look so very youthful!" Lee cries exultantly, throwing his hands in the air.

"Return my belongings, Neji," she growls, summoning a bo staff from one of the seals at her hip.

He swallows. With that expanse of leg sheathed in the remnants of his fishnet outfit, her bare arms, and how the scrolls cling to the curves of her body, Tenten is nothing short of breathtaking. Stealing her clothes has turned out to be a better idea than he imagined.

"Neji, you stole Tenten's things?" Lee yelps, looking at him with wide, inky eyes.

Tenten stalks towards him, spinning her staff threateningly. "He took all my clothes, including my und-"

"I have given you an opportunity to invent a more useful outfit," Neji interrupts, before she can speak any further (and cause Lee to ask embarrassing questions). No, he is not doing anything with her underwear. "Won't the scrolls disintegrate upon contact with water?"

Neji is definitely not picturing that in his mind.

Well, he is, but not for long.

"I've waterproofed them," she tells him smugly, and flies at him. "Now, return my clothes, or else!"

"Children!" Gai booms, shaking the ground when he lands with a powerful _thump_ in their midst. "No fighting right before a mission!"

"But-" Tenten protests, pointing at Neji.

"No 'but's!" Gai grins, and flashes a thumbs-up. "Or we'll go at triple the speed! Now, let's move out!"

Tenten grumbles under her breath, and Neji smiles in temporary victory.

* * *

><p>Neji loses his wavering grip on the upper hand when he awakens the next morning, to the shocked stares of Lee and Gai. Tenten stirs in her sleeping bag, cracking her eyes open - she is giggling hysterically the very next moment.<p>

"Where did you go while we were asleep, youthful rival?" Lee gapes, ogling at his face.

Neji frowns in confusion. "What are you talking about? I didn't go anywhere. Don't be ridiculous."

Gai steps forward then, trying to hide a smile. He claps Neji none too gently on his shoulder and guides him to a nearby stream, pointing towards Neji's reflection. "A man must be honest about his actions, Neji," he advises sagely, "It won't do to speak untruths when the evidence is all over your face."

Neji sees an assortment of lipstick marks on his face and neck in his reflection, and flushes instantly. "Who did this?" he sputters.

"I did it!" Lee exclaims from behind, and Neji whirls around in horror, a shudder rippling through his body-

-only to see the Green Beast looking at Tenten, in a conversation they'd struck up since he and Gai left.

The image of Lee's face, puckered lipstick-smeared lips creeping ever-closer to his, does not get shaken off easily in his mind's eye.

"So, who's the girl, Neji?" Tenten asks, slyly, when he returns to their campsite in a daze. Neji can't imagine that he's slept through someone's lips pressing against his skin, unless he was actually drunk last night and does not remember a thing-

"No one," he snaps awkwardly, glaring at her. She grins.

But it has to be Tenten, because no one else has reason to set him up like that (and out of his three teammates, hers are the lips that he would prefer leaving those marks on him).

"So why are you blushing, Neji?" she asks, quietly, a smile playing on her unpainted lips.

Neji freezes, and turns away at once, so she can't see his face. Why the hell is he blushing, anyway? "It was you, wasn't it?" he asks.

Tenten grins and hums, and walks off without answering.

* * *

><p>That night, Neji waits patiently until he's certain that his three teammates are sound asleep, before sneaking out of his sleeping bag to execute his plan. Tenten isn't going to get away with leaving incriminating marks on his face.<p>

_Genjutsu_ isn't his forte, but Neji casts an illusion on her anyway, just to be safe, and rummages through her standard-issue backpack; a sense of righteousness roars in his chest when he finds a tube of lipstick right at the bottom. Swiftly, Neji uncaps the tube and draws the flat surface against his lips in an imitation of what he's seen women doing, pressing his lips together when he's certain that he's covered his mouth with the thick, red stuff. His nostrils flare at the scent of cosmetics.

Slowly, very slowly, Neji makes his way to the head of Tenten's sleeping bag, and looks at her face in the flickering firelight. It occurs to him then that leaving lipstick marks on her face is essentially akin to kissing her, and he pauses, hovering a foot above her face.

But Tenten has caused him suffering, and he will unleash the same on her in return.

So Neji presses his lips to her (so very soft) cheek, and eyebrow, and nose - and he's looking at her lips and thinking about them fluttering over his face. A little nervous all of a sudden, Neji reapplies the lipstick on his mouth, and leans down, pressing his lips to hers. Tenten's lips are soft and Neji's heart is pounding in his chest, because he's kissing his teammate while she's asleep (and he does not feel anything for her, absolutely not)-

He pulls away reluctantly, fights the urge to press his lips to hers again (because that lipstick mark doesn't look vivid enough, does it?) and forcibly distances himself from her.

Neji caps and replaces her lipstick tube at the bottom of her backpack, his nerves taut with the possibility of discovery, the fact that he's just kissed Tenten, and slips back into his own sleeping bag, the smell of lipstick heavy in his nose.

* * *

><p>Neji jerks wakes at the sound of an indignant howl; he sits straight up in his sleeping bag, and looks around wildly for signs of an ambush- Only to find Lee pointing at him, his eyes wide with horror.<p>

"What's the matter?" he asks, narrowing his eyes.

"T-Tenten," Lee gasps, looking between him and their female teammate. Tenten stirs in her sleeping bag, and sits up groggily, rubbing sleep from her eyes.

"What's going on?" she croaks. (Neji has heard her hoarse voice several times before, but this is the first he thinks it sounds a little sexy. He hits himself hard in the forehead for it.)

"You- You-" Lee points at her face, and Neji glances at her lipstick-covered countenance, and smirks.

Tenten frowns, and reaches into her backpack for a mirror - and her eyes widen at her reflection. "What-"

She looks at Lee and Neji then, and her jaw falls open when she stares at Neji, and back at her reflection. Her face explodes in a vivid display of color. "Neji," she squeaks, her lips smeared with lipstick. "You-"

"What did I do?" Neji frowns, folding his arms indignantly. He's made sure to remove all traces of his involvement in the prank, hasn't he?

"You are wearing lipstick on your mouth, my eternal rival," Lee finally says, gawking at him.

Neji freezes then, and reaches up to touch his lips, finding them coated with red paint.

_Oh, crap._

* * *

><p><em>HA HA NEJI!<em>


End file.
